Sensational
exposé - Security leaks confirm 98.7% Pakistanis are foreign agents NADEEM F. PARACHA Islamabad: Dawn
The leak has come in the shape of a hefty document prepared from sources
which include various local and foreign intelligence agencies.
The document/report claims that 98.7% Pakistanis are agents of one
foreign intelligence agency or the other.
According to the report, about 40.2% Pakistanis are Indian agents; 33.3%
are American agents; 11% are British agents; 6.2% are Iranian agents; 3.1% are
Afghan agents; 3% are dual Indian and American agents; 1.1% are Guatemalan
agents; and at least one Pakistani is a Ugandan agent.
Our investigation confirms that the report was leaked by the Ugandan
agent after his monthly stipend was halted by the Ugandan government due to his
failure to recruit Pakistanis other than himself.
We are still trying to determine what Uganda’s intelligence agency
wanted from him.
But our initial inquiry suggests that it had something to do with
mangoes.
Before
being leaked to Dawn, the report was first partially leaked on the popular
social media website, LinkedIn. Immediately, it created a stir in the social
media realm and was picked up by the media cells of various political parties.
First to
comment on it was the official PTI twitter account which tweeted: Traitor Nawaz
exposed! Trillions looted to please
India/US/UK/Afghanistan/Iran/Guatemala/Uganda.
The
account then immediately followed up this tweet with the following one: Traitor
government doing blasts on behalf of Modi, Obama, Ghani & Pablo Escobar.
The
official PML-N twitter account responded with this tweet: Truth is out! Imran
Khan funded by India/US/UK/Afghanistan/Iran/Guatemala/Uganda.
The
account immediately followed up this tweet with the following one: Imran doing
dharnas on behalf of Modi, Obama, Ghani & Scarface.
A vicious
battle of tweets soon ensued between supporters of both parties. Talking to
Dawn, an active member of PTI’s social media team said: "Traitor Nawaz
daughter Maryam mota group media cell funded by RAW, CIA, Geo, Dawn Bread
looting trillions, zillions doing bum blasts to stop muscular Atlas from wiping
corruption from face of Pakistan 98.7% guarantee agents against us bleed green
patriot opticians oh what a feeling jab aye ga Imran baray gi shaan banay ga
naya Pakistan …"
When a member of the alleged ‘mota group’ which allegedly runs
PML-N’s media cell was allegedly contacted, he allegedly said: "what
allegedly, allegedly you are talkings? Our mota group true patriotic group. Our
Nawaz elected by 98.7% Pakistani voters and motors but this traitor Khan and
his traitor party putting heavy heavy stones on path to progress on behest of
foreign enemies of nation. One punch from us break teeths of mommy-daddies but
our leader Nawaz tell saber karo and keep patient because all will be
wells by grace of orange line and Mao tse-Tung …"
As the battle between the two parties got intense on social media, PTI
chairman Imran Khan held an emergency press conference at his Islamabad
residence. He was flanked by top party men and Sheikh Rashid Ahmad of the
one-man Awami Muslim League.
Imran told reporters: "The leaked report only confirms what I have
been saying for years. 98.7% members of the PML-N are corrupt. They do not want
me to turn Pakistan into a modernistic traditionalistic Scandinavian Islamic
welfare capitalistic socialistic democratic caliphate!"
When a journalist reminded him that the report mentions 98.7% of all
Pakistanis, Imran replied: "98.7% PML-N voters. All corrupt."
When the same journalist told him that the report was about agents and
not corruption, Imran shot back: "You must be from Geo."
When the journalist said he wasn’t, Imran retorted: "Then maybe
Dawn Bread. All corrupt." When the journalist decided to walk out in
protest, PTI leaders began to chant, "Go, Nawaz, Go! Go, Nawaz, Go!"
However, Sheikh Rashid intervened and requested the journalist to
return. He told reporters: "Please, understand. Pakistan standing on very
fragile turn. Media our best partners and lovers, except few traitor ones, but,
as the report confirms, 98.7% media houses support our stand on
corruption."
When told that the report mentioned nothing of the sort, Sheikh got
agitated and announced: "I have part of report which say this. I will only
show on patriotic TV channels at 8pm sharp. Watch it. You can also catch repeat
telecast at 11.05 pm sharp or watch recording on YouTube at any pm or am sharp.
Okay?"
Meanwhile, in Lahore, Minister of Information, Parvez Rashid, held his
own presser. He told the gathered media personnel: "This leaked document
which landed in my LinkedIn inbox and will soon be published by newspapers
around the globe, has once and for all verified the fact that 98.7% policies
and actions of Imran Khan and his party are being funded by enemy countries to
derail our government’s fantastic initiatives to turn Pakistan into a
modernistic traditionalistic Middle-Eastern Chinese monarchic democracy."
When told by a journalist that the report has mentioned 98.7% of all
Pakistanis and not just PTI members, the minister replied: "You must be
from ARY." When the journalist told him he wasn’t, the minister said:
"then maybe from Bol."
When the journalist decided to walk out in protest, the minister said:
"Go. If you don’t like our Pakistan then go to Uganda which pays
you."
Another leading PML-N man, Abid Sher Ali, intervened and managed
to make the journalist return after promising him a free run of his personal
swimming pool, a pair of St. Michael’s swimming trunks and a centrespread of
him in the same trunks in the fashion weekly, Hello. To this, the defence
minister, Khwaja Asif, retorted, "Kuch
sharam, kuch haya …"
Eventually, other political parties also stepped into the fray. In a
tweet, the chairperson of the PPP, Bilawal Bhutto, said: "Zinda hai
Bhutto zinda hai, 98.7% zinda hai"
He further elaborated this rhetorical reaction in another tweet: No one
is an agent in Pakistan. Stop this. Only Modi ka jo yaar hai wo 98.7% ghdaar
hai.’
In yet another tweet he further clarified: By this I mean only 1.3%
Pakistanis are agents. Rest 98.7% are all Bhuttos.
In a press statement, Maulana Fazlur Rehman, the chief of JUI-F, said:
"This is clearly a document which was concocted by Imran Khan because it
doesn’t mention Israel. Had it not been concocted by Imran Khan, then it would
also have mentioned Israel." He said that JUI-F was 98.7% sure about this.
While talking to Dawn, chief of the Jamaat-i-Islami (JI), Sirajul Haq,
said: "The figures given in the report are not correct. 99.99% Pakistanis
are agents and only .1% are true patriots."
He said all of these .1% Pakistanis were members of JI and that the
party will be awarding all of them the Al-Dil-Bola-Al-Pakola Award – an award
which the party believes was first introduced in the 8th century CE by the
founder of Pakistan, Mohammad Bin Qasim.
Chief of the Jamaatul Dawa (JuD), Hafiz Saeed, said: "Listen BuD,
if I CuD, then I WuD turn 100% Pakistani brothers and sisters, and sisters who
have become brothers, into committed charity workers with charity offices
around the WuD in 80 days. But some agents WuD like to impose a ban on JuD, but
rest assured, they will eat MuD!"
He was speaking during a show on a TV channel, Neho, which is famous for
bringing the people of Pakistan the wisdom and brilliance of wise and brilliant
intellectuals who wisely and brilliantly hate Polish agent, Malala Yusufzai.
MQM-London’s chief, Altaf Hussain, didn’t say anything. But he did make
a curious smooching sound which the media is now trying to decipher.
MQM-Karachi said that the report proved that 98.7% Karachiites are with
MQM-Pakistan.
But Mustafa Kamal’s Pak Sar Zameen Party rubbished the claim by stating
that MQM-London and MQM-Pakistan were both full of enemy agents and that 98.7%
Karachiites would be voting for Pak Sar Zameen Party. Mustafa Kamal told Dawn
that Altaf’s smooches were a signal to his agents in Pakistan to attack
anti-Altaf patriots on next year’s Valentine’s Day.
The leaked report also drew reactions from India. Indian Prime Minister,
Narendra Modi, told Indian TV anchor, Arnab Goswami, "you are very dashing
and sexy patriot."
Goswami pumped up his chest, expanded his nostrils and began to beat his
chests with his fists, all the while making loud gorilla noises. PM Modi smiled
and then jumped behind the pumped up Goswami to snap a selfie with him.
When the producer of the show asked Goswami to talk about the leaked
report, Goswami declared that the producer was a Pakistani agent and should be
lynched for storing beef in his refrigerator. PM Modi smiled and said,
"you are very hunky patriot."
Goswami jumped up and began to swing from a ceiling fan, all the while
shouting, "Om Puri, you Pakistani beefeater, leave India and go to
Lahore!’ PM Modi smiled and said, ‘Om Puri has very bad skin. No selfie."
Till the filing of this report, Goswami was said to be still swinging
from the fan and cursing Puri, while PM Modi had turned his attention to Adnan
Sami Khan, calling him "very willowy patriot after quitting meat and
dieting on Gujarat cabbage. Very slender and slim. 98.7%."
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